Written by lainie at 03:07 PM on November 2, 2003 as a favorite post.

Some people are just super anal. There's no getting around it. Say, for example, someone my very good friend considers a fat cow seriously upsets her. Again. Now say, it's usually up to me to console said upset friend. How the @#%$ I'm supposed to do that when she's halfway around the world I have no frickin idea. I mean, there are only so many times I can begin an email with the words 'Oh babes, it'll be okay...chill' cause goddamit it is NOT gonna be okay I am going crazy trying to think of new words to use so it doesn't sound like I have the same email stored aside to send her everytime that fat cow moos.

However, I am a tech girl, and i figured, heck why not do something different? Let's surf to my friend's photo site, lift off fat cow's photo, and Photoshop a pig's snout on her, with the additional two pig ears? So I do. And i attach a little bit of spinach between her lips, cause between you and me, cows and pigs look better with a bit of green there.

Then, I write a satirical piece on said fat cow diving off a cliff to her death after some junk food cause she'd been put on some starvation diet for being too damned fat (like Gwen, in Enid Blyton's Malory Towers) and discoverin oil, to the joy of the suddenly much richer school she came from who owned the land.

Ahhhh that was fun to write. I gave it as a surprise cheer-up present for my friend, who did perk up after reading it (and seeing the picture). I left it on my site because, firstly, Hey, who deletes good memories right? And secondly, I wanted her to have a quick fixer-upper everytime my friend was feeling down thanks to the bullying there.

Of course, one of the consequences of being highly ranked on google is that suppose said fat cow typed her name into it, and because she has such a sad pathetic life that no one else wrote about her on the internet, my site would be the first to appear. With my arse luck, of course said mooing animal would not realise that satire is very common on the internet. The joke is she was looking for her page on sporting achievements (maybe the word achievement is pushing it. Attempt is more suitable), and *snicker* was not expecting my page.

I checked out the sports page, and oh Goodness...It was some super long page where her name appears once among almost 100 names (yeah, I counted cause I was feelin very incredulous) for the hammer throw (what, you thought I was kidding about the fat in fat cow?).

By now, said good friend all the way in London finds out that, shock, horrors, we'd been found out. Regardless of what she thinks of the fat cow, she doesn't like trouble so I take my page down (dammit) and wrote apologetic email to said cow (so not like me, but the things I'll do for my friends...sigh. I've clicked the send button, too late for regrets then).

What the hell do i get in return???

Fat cow's mom sends me an email to say unless my good friend practically grovels in front of her daughter (oh please, great goddess do let me kiss your fingers, your ass, your hooves, oh I am not worthy) she'll contact a solicitor and send an email to my web provider to close down my site. Why? Cause asides from hurting their feelings (which apparently only showed up after getting a taste of bullying themselves), someone might be deterred from looking up excellent daughter's sporting acheivements as they might think she really died jumping off a cliff after food when they read my page. Her mother said that, not me.

You know, not only does that put into perspective what her mother thinks about her own daughter and what people might actually believe about her (jumping off cliffs after food, growing snouts included), it also goes to show that grown-ups sometimes have no idea what they're talking about, cause if some talent scout finds and picks her through that list of a hundred names, I'll pull a rabbit and three cars outta my ass if I have to eat the rabbit and then stuff cars up my ass ala- Ryan Dunn, Jackass. [link]

Sigh. Someone should have told her considering the frequency of me pissing off the world, which is very very often, a lawsuit threat from far far away is really nothing compared to threats at home about hunting me down and beating the shite outta me or killing me. And that I'm possibly the most anal back-upper on mother Earth so go ahead, I'll just re-upload everything, and wait a few days for google to crawl through the net again. Big friggin deal.


But hey, if she wants to tell a lawyer that her daughter is so unpopular someone halfway round the world took the trouble to make a pig picture of her eating spinach, go ahead. From what I hear lawyers need a good laugh every now and then

About the only thing keeping me from sending her graphic instructions through email on how to remove that big prong up her arse is how my friend, who actually isn't much of a prude herself, would react *pulls back in shock horror*. Then again, I'm very annoyed by now, what the fuck more can they want?. One more email from them with that snippy sniffly tone, and I'll put up many, many sites everywhere (like geocities where you can never ever remove a site) with many many photos, I swear.

Ahh well such is life, and it's just another day of me, pissing the rest of the world off.

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