Written by lainie at 12:52 PM on May 16, 2005 in Daily Life.

Ah the weekend. I think you guys should know by now that if I don't update over the weekend it means I was with Fip.

This is gonna be a long, partially unhappy post. If you want something cheery, I suggest you either skip to the later part of this post, or come back tomorrow.

Well, what can I say, it seems to be turning into a fine tradition that we fight everytime we meet up. I asked her to call me before leaving Malacca in the morning, so she did. After her call I got ready, told my aunt I was going out with some friends, and walked out to the monorail station, where I took a monorail to KL Central, and took a train to Putrajaya.

The thing is, Fip, driving from a different state, arrived before me. Thing is, she was extremely pissed (and might I add, extremely unforgiving about that). While I waited for the second train she called to say she was already at Putrajaya waiting for me. I told her that when the train came it would take me about 15 minutes to get to her, but she thought it would be an hour, and got even more upset.

[ Worker later clarified that it would take 20 minutes ]

When the train finally came, I leapt up and hurried into it, in case some arse luck of mine did some whoopdewoo and somehow I managed to miss it - you have no idea how idiotic I felt after that because the train stayed on the station waiting for passengers for about five minutes.

Anyhow, as the train started to leave the station, I checked for my train ticket. Ohfuckme. I'd left it behind. Then Fip messages to say she's waiting at the ticketing counter. Ohfuckmetwice. I messaged to ask her to not be angry, or at least try not to be, at the next fuck up I make. She said she would try, and I reminded her that a promise was a promise.

Whaddya know, she was extremely pissed off at me for being late and losing my ticket. I felt like I was meeting my angry mother more than my girlfriend. She came up to the counter and demanded to know why I was paying for yet another ticket.
She told me off and I thought she was going to make a scene. I was crying before we reached her car, where she was either making me feel bad, or avoiding me by walking ahead very fast. By the way, I sensed about zero effort at trying to forgive me for said second fuck up.

I mean, I apologised for being late, and I couldn't help it that I lost one bloody goddamned motherfucking train ticket, OKAY? All I had to do was buy another one, problem solved.

I was very hurt by the whole thing, because I'd been looking forward to meeting her all week, and when I finally did we couldn't even have a good time because she wouldn't let go of her anger over something I thought was rather petty. I mean, it never crossed my mind it would take her less time to arrive in Putrajaya than I would.

Then she accused me of not waking up on time. Oh god. I told her to call me when she left Malacca because I figured I could wake up then and get to the train station and wait for her. She then said that I was accusing her of not waking me up on time and saying stuff like "So it was my fault then, is it? Huh?".
Then I said it wasn't like that, and I was sorry it turned out that I didn't set enough time away for my traveling, and by the way I woke up ten minutes after she called me at 9.50am, but she said it was 9.15am, and I told her to check the call records on her phone because I was pretty damned sure I was right but she wouldn't because she said she couldn't be bothered to.

............Okay.

She said that

1) Becayse I was late it showed I didn't care (it doesn't matter that I'd apologised tons of times and was already crying pretty miserably by then because I thought she was being mean to me)

2) I was damned irresponsible (please repeat throughout argument, just in case I get the chance to forget that)

3) oh, and by the way, how on earth could I forget my phone bill (where the hell did that come from)

and that meant

4) I don't give a shit about our future

because

5) I wouldn't care about our house

and I can't be trusted with

6) our future bills

or for that matter

7) Our kids.Or anything else.

which means

8) She was making much more of an effort that I was

and therefore

9) I don't love her

because if I did

10) Somehow known I wouldn't have been on time and would have woken up earlier, and not lost my ticket, and we wouldn't be fighting because then I wouldn't be the failure girlfriend.

I mean.......Somewhere around No 3 my brain just died on me and I couldn't see the connections she was making anymore. All I knew was if she could just get over my bloody lost ticket, and accept my apology that I was late, we could get on with our date. But oh no.

Nonononono. Oh no. God knows what I did was absolutely unacceptable, and I deserved everything she threw at me from then on.

Highway - Telekom (which turned out to be closed) - Highway - Mall she was angry at me.

Not just miffed, but angry. She also took it out on everyone else on the highway, driving aggressively and cursing a lot, which meant I was pretty much carsick before we left Putrajaya to KL. Since I was already feeling pretty shit at myself for being such a bitch - till I remembered every so often what we were fighting about anyway, whereby that was just hurt, my head was spinning when we arrived in KL.

We tried to get along with the date...and I took her to this part of the mall that made me think of her, which is why I wanted to go there...It was this really really long escalator with lots of bright loud murals at the side, and I just hugged her all the way up, because that's what I really wanted to do the first time I saw it alone.

Then it turns out that Fip is still angry at me because pretty soon I'm dealing with another lashing from her.

There is a reason why my friends are all the chilled out type. I usually only get along with that particular type. I do not, for the life of me, understand people who can't relax. I barely understand people who use organisers, but I do get along with them. I punctuated the argument a few times with "I don't get it, but I think we need a week long break from each other" because I no longer knew what to say, explain, or apologise for.
Plus, crying tires me out a lot, and I was pretty damned tired by then. The fact that she was going on and on and on when all I wanted was for her to take my hand and put it behind us, made it all the more obvious that she is not like my friends. I think that part hit me the most, that I would not identify with anyone who could get so angry, and gee, I was her girlfriend.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she threw an "I forgive you" at me. I'd actually thought we were on the verge of a break up. I was at the peak of feeling hated, useless and helpless, and thinking "this is my love life???" so I didn't really trust her at that point because I was pretty wary of anything that looked like I could put down my defenses again, since it hurt enough thankyou
I wish she came to that conclusion about two hours earlier.

We walked around the mall a bit more, but I was pretty dispirited by then. It felt like she gave me a shit time, and I thought that was over the top considering what happened. I don't know, maybe it was as bad as she made it out to be.

I kinda dread the next time we meet up, just in case I somehow fuck up (ie: lose another train ticket or something of the equivalent where I won't know it's a very big mistake and will have to be told, detail by detail, exactly how big it is) and go through all that again, because I don't think I can take it.
I'm pretty convinced that even when she says she loves me, she hates the part of me that's scatterbrained....and that's a very big piece of me to dislike. I mean. "Scatterbrained" is printed all over my forehead, my room, my life.

Truth be told, we made up about it, but I find myself randomly thinking of certain bits of the whole fight, and it depresses the hell out of me, and as much as I hate to admit it, it makes me cry. I feel nervous about my next potential fuck up, and since I have a feeling that will eventually happen, I feel sad about our eventual, upcoming fight. I'm a lil bit resentful, but mostly just tired, nervous and sad about it all.

A part of me wants to message all those friends I had who used to say I don't give a fuck about anything, I'm always so happy, nothing effects me badly, just to say "Hey look, I guess I'm normal after all".

:/

I've never met someone who could make me so happy, or fuck me up so badly either.

We went to KA's place after that because we were both exhausted. I was kinda relieved we were going there because Fip is always in a better mood around her. Also, we got to cuddle up and be alone a while, unlike the mall where people actually sat down at benches on opposite ends to watch me cry. So yes, that helped.

=====

Okay, so it gets much better again from that point onwards.

We had good make up sex in the living room, punctuated occasionally by KA walking out to get a drink or something and *not noticing us*. KA said it was okay because "this is a hippie house, yo". Haha, I love her thinking, cool girl. My friends would have taken blackmail photos, stood around discussing pointers, or said "ewwwwwwwww my god, how can you?".

Or sprayed some cold water from a hose, and made me pay for their psychiatry sessions and medication. I don't know.

Actually, during post coital cuddling:

Lainie: Soooooo....was that make up sex?
Fip: Uhmm...yes.
Lainie: ...It's nice and all, but don't make it a habit, I hate fighting.

Then I made her promise to try not to make me cry for a month. We'll see how that goes. Pfft. I should ammend that since I'm still crying about the fight, into "Do not make me cry for a month over anything else".

We had dinner at this huge food court, where I bought some vcds and DVDs, namely Motorcycle Diaries (want to read the book too), Closer (Jude Law, Natalie Portman, hell yeahhh), Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galazy (much love) and Vanity Fair (because beautiful people act in it).

Came back and watched an old episode of SNL, hosted by the beautiful Matthew McConaughey: Transcript available here. Laughter is healing. The Dixie Chicks performed Traveling Soldier, which reminded me of Daphne who loves that song. I wish more of my friends were around Malaysia sometimes.

I fell asleep next to her while she was watching football. When I woke up we watched Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, ordered pizza, and lounged around, occasionally accompanied by KA. Fip and I made up loads yesterday, which was nice.

Then before I knew it, she had to go back to Malacca. She wanted to go for dinner with me, but for some reason I wasn't up to it because I was feeling rather nauseous. Like being carsick before getting into the car.

She drove me back to my aunt's place (she's rather sweet that way) and dropped me off home. I thought I'd feel heaps better after a shower, which wasn't true because my legs were trembling so much while I was bathing I had very nasty visions of my relatives breaking down the doors to rescue me. And I'd be naked, oh that would be uncomfortable to recover from. Practically threw myself out of the bathroom after I got dressed.

Then I tried to eat some dinner, but was too sick to. Ended up puking a lil bit out. Went to bed. Woke up this morning very happy because the first thing I noticed was that I was feeling okay. Then messaged Fip, who had left me a message to say that she loved me and was hoping I was feeling better.

So it's a new day, and things do seem better. Hopefully that's how it goes from now on. After all, she's not supposed to make me cry again till the 15th of June.

Long post, huh?

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